I tend to think of my soul as a peaceful being. Evidently, that’s not always true. It’s not true today. And I made a vow yesterday not to allow my brain to bully my soul into submission this week. So I am consciously trying to allow my soul to be “unpeaceful” (a.k.a. angry). This feels really awful, and I feel like today has really been extremely challenging.
I feel VERY angry…about A LOT of things. I don’t LIKE feeling angry. It feels very icky to me, and I think it makes my physical symptoms feel worse. I have a headache, my back pain is worse, and I’m exhausted. I have no idea what this means right now…if anything.
Here’s a list of some things that my soul feels angry about today:
- I woke up in the middle of the night last night because I had to pee, but then I had a hard time not thinking about stressful things that have happened to me in the past when I got back into bed. I was able to fall asleep within an hour though.
- I slept until 10:00 am because my body is always so exhausted.
- I woke up, but I was still tired (as usual…and I’m not exaggerating at all).
- I got out of bed, but I was in a lot of pain (ditto of parentheses above).
- I wake up everyday tired and in pain. This has been going on for about 13 years.
- I’ve been treated by doctors for Multiple Sclerosis for almost 2 decades, and they have not helped these morning MS symptoms in any way whatsoever (literally true).
- After writing that last bullet point, I feel even more angry.
Let’s just review:
#1- Sue goes to doctors for her MS. #2- Doctors don’t do anything that helps with Sue’s morning MS symptoms. #3- Sue feels angry because she has wasted valuable time, energy, and money going to these doctors. #4- Sue’s anger feels icky, and gives her a migraine (that’s what I have now as I write this post).
My soul does not want to see doctors anymore. My brain is on a break this week and will not be shutting down my soul’s opinions which includes this opinion. Honestly, this is exactly the type of opinion that my brain LIKES to shut down. Afterall, not going to doctors when you are diagnosed with a medical illness is craziness right?! “How stupid is that? You HAVE to see doctors. Come on Sue, be smart and RESPONSIBLE about this.”
Oh brain, I guess you mean well, but thank goodness you’re on vacation this week. It’s so long overdue, and I just need to hear what my soul has to say. My soul is tired of being ignored, and I really can’t blame it. Being ignored really sucks.
I would LOVE to NOT see anymore doctors. That’s the truth. That’s MY truth. Maybe my soul can tell me what we’d do if we really didn’t see doctors anymore? Soul, this is YOUR week. Brain is on vacation. Brain can not chime in today, tomorrow, or the rest of this week. What are your ideas soul? What would we do about our physical symptoms if we didn’t depend on doctors to help us? Any ideas?
Okay, seems like my soul needs some time. Pouring out all those stuffed up feelings, ideas, opinions, and truths in one sitting is a lot, especially when my brain didn’t allow my soul to do it for a REALLY long time.
No rush…this week is for you soul. I’ll be ready when you’re ready. That’s the least I can do.
2 thoughts on “More Anger…More Yuckiness…”
I admire your candour for sharing this on the blogosphere. Your story will definitely help those who are in the same position as you, even though it may feel like ranting. I sure do hope you feel better, and that you won’t have to see doctors anymore. Take care!
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Thank you Stuart! It’s taken me a long time to get the courage to share so I appreciate your comments! I hope it’s helpful to others. I only recently just remembered that writing is something I love to do so if I can help others while doing it, that would be amazing! Thanks again, and I hope you’re having a good weekend!