Ignoring and Distrusting

I’ve been ignoring God everyday for a long time. On a daily basis, God tells me that I should write in this blog. On a daily basis, I find a reason or excuse or justification not to do it. This is because I don’t trust myself or trust God. Although this sounds really sad and depressing (it’s been both those things for me), this is also really good news. I can change this distrust of God and of myself. I’ve BEEN changing it…(very, very, very slowly from where I sit).

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I’m also scared. I’m scared to death actually. I have so much fear. More about this topic later as I continue to contemplate that truth. The fear comes from a lot of experiences in my life. It would be natural for me to feel scared. It makes sense, but I just need to stay on track right now. I’ll come back to this eventually in another blog entry.

The realization I had this morning about how I’m ignoring God everyday came from another moment of clarity. I was finishing my breakfast, and I was literally sitting in a tight crunched up way at the table. Now that I think of it, I was sitting up, but I was in a fetal position. My body was in a freeze response, and I was actually very cold.

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I thought about the groceries I still needed to put away. I thought about the house cleaning I wanted to do. I thought about the vitamins I needed to take. I thought about the decorative project I’m working on in my apartment, and the related tasks that I hoped to get done today. Then, I noticed an interesting idea pop into my head, “get some hot tea and a fleece jacket for yourself before you do any of those other things.”

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I went to get the tea. My mind saw the groceries on the counter, and I ALMOST started to put them away first. UGH!!!! “NO!!! Get yourself some tea so you don’t freeze to death…so you can be more comfortable…so you can concentrate because you’ll feel less cold.”

And then there was the REALLY amazing epiphany. “You just don’t take good enough care of yourself. You deserve to be taken care of.”

Wow. Just wow.

I don’t know how long this has been going on for, but I didn’t realize that I deserve to take care of myself OR that I wasn’t taking good enough care of myself. I can barely even begin to understand all the multitude of negative consequences from just this one issue holding me back. It’s such a huge problem.

And I know that I’m really angry I feel that way. I know this only now as I feel the common, chronic tightness in my chest that I have everyday. (Hmmm…I have tightness in my chest everyday, and I ignore God everyday. Could it be that If I just start doing what God tells me to do, I won’t feel anymore chest tightness?) I’m angry about how I feel. I’m angry at the darkness in my life. It’s such a terrifying darkness. I’m so afraid of it, but in my fear, I have given it way too much power.

If I’m Ready to Be Seen, I need to ask for strength in my weakness. Lord, please grant me the strength to follow your lead everyday. Please grant me the strength to know when the darkness is trying to stop me along with the courage to follow your lead anyway. Thank you for the revelations I’ve had today Lord. Thank you for giving me the courage and strength to share them so that they may help anyone else who needed to hear these words. Thank you Lord. Amen.

May we all start taking better care of ourselves today. May we all have the gift of trusting ourselves and trusting our higher power. May we all realize when we’re not following the direction we’re meant to take each day, and may we all have the courage to start taking that direction. May we all realize that we deserve to take care of ourselves.

Here’s to a warm, cozy, wonderful day. Cheers.

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