seagull for My Soul

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Ignoring and Distrusting

I’ve been ignoring God everyday for a long time. On a daily basis, God tells me that I should write in this blog. On a daily basis, I find a reason or excuse or justification not to do it. This is because I don’t trust myself or trust God. Although this sounds really sad and depressing (it’s been both those things for me), this is also really good news. I can change this distrust of God and of myself. I’ve BEEN changing it…(very, very, very slowly from where I sit).

I’m also scared. I’m scared to death actually. I have so much fear. More about this topic later as I continue to contemplate that truth. The fear comes from a lot of experiences in my life. It would be natural for me to feel scared. It makes sense, but I just need to stay on track right now. I’ll come back to this eventually in another blog entry.

The realization I had this morning about how I’m ignoring God everyday came from another moment of clarity. I was finishing my breakfast, and I was literally sitting in a tight crunched up way at the table. Now that I think of it, I was sitting up, but I was in a fetal position. My body was in a freeze response, and I was actually very cold.

I thought about the groceries I still needed to put away. I thought about the house cleaning I wanted to do. I thought about the vitamins I needed to take. I thought about the decorative project I’m working on in my apartment, and the related tasks that I hoped to get done today. Then, I noticed an interesting idea pop into my head, “get some hot tea and a fleece jacket for yourself before you do any of those other things.”

I went to get the tea. My mind saw the groceries on the counter, and I ALMOST started to put them away first. UGH!!!! “NO!!! Get yourself some tea so you don’t freeze to death…so you can be more comfortable…so you can concentrate because you’ll feel less cold.”

And then there was the REALLY amazing epiphany. “You just don’t take good enough care of yourself. You deserve to be taken care of.”

Wow. Just wow.

I don’t know how long this has been going on for, but I didn’t realize that I deserve to take care of myself OR that I wasn’t taking good enough care of myself. I can barely even begin to understand all the multitude of negative consequences from just this one issue holding me back. It’s such a huge problem.

And I know that I’m really angry I feel that way. I know this only now as I feel the common, chronic tightness in my chest that I have everyday. (Hmmm…I have tightness in my chest everyday, and I ignore God everyday. Could it be that If I just start doing what God tells me to do, I won’t feel anymore chest tightness?) I’m angry about how I feel. I’m angry at the darkness in my life. It’s such a terrifying darkness. I’m so afraid of it, but in my fear, I have given it way too much power.

If I’m Ready to Be Seen, I need to ask for strength in my weakness. Lord, please grant me the strength to follow your lead everyday. Please grant me the strength to know when the darkness is trying to stop me along with the courage to follow your lead anyway. Thank you for the revelations I’ve had today Lord. Thank you for giving me the courage and strength to share them so that they may help anyone else who needed to hear these words. Thank you Lord. Amen.

May we all start taking better care of ourselves today. May we all have the gift of trusting ourselves and trusting our higher power. May we all realize when we’re not following the direction we’re meant to take each day, and may we all have the courage to start taking that direction. May we all realize that we deserve to take care of ourselves.

Here’s to a warm, cozy, wonderful day. Cheers.

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VALIDATION

Finally understanding what trauma did to me.

“We must observe what we see around us and label it correctly; we must also be able to trust our memories and be able to tell them apart from our imagination. Losing the ability to make these distinctions is one sign of what psychoanalyst William Niederson called ‘soul murder‘.”
Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D., The Body Keeps The Score (New York: Penguin Books, 2014)

I’ve written many “first posts” in my attempts to get this blog started. Here I sit, once again, hoping that this will ACTUALLY end up being my first published post.

I’ve been on a long “healing journey.” I really hate to use that phrase because it seems so cliche. Maybe I’ll get better at using more creative phrases to make my writing more interesting and unique…maybe I won’t…maybe my writing is interesting and unique. I don’t know, but it’s all okay. I’m okay.

I haven’t finished my official introduction post yet. Here’s a list of the important facts about me that I’ll describe more fully in future blog posts:

Almost 40 years ago, I experienced childhood trauma involving the sudden death of my father. Afterwards, I experienced ongoing trauma in my home.
Almost 20 years ago, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis/MS.
For most of my life, my soul was dead and buried, but I didn’t even know it.
One year ago, I went to the beach and a special seagull drew my attention. As I continued to watch this seagull, I suddently felt my soul take a long, deep breath. It felt…miraculous. This seagull was from a higher place. It brought me peace, and I felt loved. Suddenly…everything could be okay.

Since I have Multiple Sclerosis, my blog posts are going to be somewhat short because I run out of energy and stamina to keep going. I fatigue easily, and I’m getting to that point now. I’ll just close by saying that my hopes for this blog are for it to spread awareness about childhood trauma and its effects on future physical health, to raise awareness about Multiple Sclerosis in particular, and to share my experiences in order to show that childhood trauma, physical health, and our true connection to self are all connected. When we start to find our way back to true self, it’s nothing short of a miracle.

Ready to Be Seen

Things I know this morning and am not afraid to say:

God is around us everywhere. I saw him this week in my neighbors, in my house-cleaning people, in my vacuum cleaner, in my honey jar, in my husband, in my dog, in my mom, in my dance classes, in my aesthetician and her colleague, in a tiger statue. The more present I am, the more I see God around me. The more I let him shine a light to my path (Psalms 119:105), the more I see God.

The more I see God, the less I worry.

God is funny.

God is all love.

When we invite him into our lives, miracles happen, and we don’t have to worry about anything.

Everything and all of us are connected. I know this now because God showed it to me, and also because he keeps showing it to me.

I’m ready to be seen. I’m also still scared. I need God to keep helping me to be brave…to get more brave…to become brave. I can’t wait.

Stuck is Not Safe

It’s been quite a while since my last post, and that’s for many reasons. The list could go on and on…MS symptoms, the holidays, responsibilities, family, blah…blah…blah. The list is true, BUT, it’s really not about all that.

It’s really about abandonment (I just realized that as I was writing!). It’s about abandonment…of myself!!! WOW!

This is a huge revelation for me in this very moment. HOLY COW!!

Writing REALLY is powerful for me. AND, now I know why God has been nudging me to do it. Thank you God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

As I sit here stunned, wondering where to go from here (I was planning on writing about my New Year’s resolution to write a blog post at least once per week), my mind is racing. The feeling of overwhelm comes over me. It’s not the good type of overwhelm, it’s the stressful type. I’m pressuring myself now…bad habit, but let me explain.

I often feel as if I HAVE to do something, I have to do it perfectly, and it has to be done NOW. I actually feel scared that if I don’t do whatever it is that my mind thinks it has to do, or if I don’t do it correctly, or it I don’t do it quick enough, (or any combo of these choices), something terrible is going to happen. It’s a feeling of doom…JUST realized that also!!

I guess maybe it can be summed up by two words: doubt and mistrust. I doubt myself, and I don’t trust God.

I wasn’t born feeling that way. Life made me feel that way. But you know what? It’s all good. It really, really is. Because NOW, I’m on my way back to being born. I’m on my way back to myself. AND…

There’s no huge rush.

More Anger…More Yuckiness…

I tend to think of my soul as a peaceful being. Evidently, that’s not always true. It’s not true today. And I made a vow yesterday not to allow my brain to bully my soul into submission this week. So I am consciously trying to allow my soul to be “unpeaceful” (a.k.a. angry). This feels really awful, and I feel like today has really been extremely challenging.

I feel VERY angry…about A LOT of things. I don’t LIKE feeling angry. It feels very icky to me, and I think it makes my physical symptoms feel worse. I have a headache, my back pain is worse, and I’m exhausted. I have no idea what this means right now…if anything.

Here’s a list of some things that my soul feels angry about today:

I woke up in the middle of the night last night because I had to pee, but then I had a hard time not thinking about stressful things that have happened to me in the past when I got back into bed. I was able to fall asleep within an hour though.
I slept until 10:00 am because my body is always so exhausted.
I woke up, but I was still tired (as usual…and I’m not exaggerating at all).
I got out of bed, but I was in a lot of pain (ditto of parentheses above).
I wake up everyday tired and in pain. This has been going on for about 13 years.
I’ve been treated by doctors for Multiple Sclerosis for almost 2 decades, and they have not helped these morning MS symptoms in any way whatsoever (literally true).
After writing that last bullet point, I feel even more angry.

Let’s just review:

#1- Sue goes to doctors for her MS. #2- Doctors don’t do anything that helps with Sue’s morning MS symptoms. #3- Sue feels angry because she has wasted valuable time, energy, and money going to these doctors. #4- Sue’s anger feels icky, and gives her a migraine (that’s what I have now as I write this post).

My soul does not want to see doctors anymore. My brain is on a break this week and will not be shutting down my soul’s opinions which includes this opinion. Honestly, this is exactly the type of opinion that my brain LIKES to shut down. Afterall, not going to doctors when you are diagnosed with a medical illness is craziness right?! “How stupid is that? You HAVE to see doctors. Come on Sue, be smart and RESPONSIBLE about this.”

Oh brain, I guess you mean well, but thank goodness you’re on vacation this week. It’s so long overdue, and I just need to hear what my soul has to say. My soul is tired of being ignored, and I really can’t blame it. Being ignored really sucks.

I would LOVE to NOT see anymore doctors. That’s the truth. That’s MY truth. Maybe my soul can tell me what we’d do if we really didn’t see doctors anymore? Soul, this is YOUR week. Brain is on vacation. Brain can not chime in today, tomorrow, or the rest of this week. What are your ideas soul? What would we do about our physical symptoms if we didn’t depend on doctors to help us? Any ideas?

Okay, seems like my soul needs some time. Pouring out all those stuffed up feelings, ideas, opinions, and truths in one sitting is a lot, especially when my brain didn’t allow my soul to do it for a REALLY long time.

No rush…this week is for you soul. I’ll be ready when you’re ready. That’s the least I can do.

Acknowledging Anger…Yuck

As part of my attempts to heal my MS, I started to see an “energy therapist”. This person is a psychologist, but she is “different”. I can’t really explain her right now, but I’m sure I will at some point in a separate blog article. For now, I’ll call her Dr. Energy.

Anyway, as part of my energy therapy sessions, Dr. Energy keeps telling me that I’m very angry. Lately, she keeps pointing out to me that I have a focus on everything being “unfair”. She won’t stop talking about it, and to be honest, it’s extremely annoying sometimes. But I think that’s only because I feel like she’s telling me that I’m doing something wrong by being angry and by having anger. I FEEL that way, but I have no evidence to support my feeling. In fact, Dr. Energy also keeps telling me that anger is a “moral” and therefore justified, natural emotion. She has NEVER told me that I’m doing anything wrong by being angry or by having anger. Babies express anger when they’re hungry. It’s a NATURAL, HUMAN emotion. Dr. Energy has explained the moral quality of human anger to me many times. My conditioning in this area seems super thick and hasn’t broken apart yet. But I think I’m making some progress, slow progress, but progress. (Note to self: may write future blog articles about my impatience, wanting things to happen on my timeline, etc. etc., but let’s keep focus here.)

Dr. Energy has asked me if I can feel the anger in my body. Although it’s been a process that has taken me some time, I can now say that I’m STARTING to feel the anger in my body. I don’t like it. It feels yucky. It feels really sticky, and I visualize it as a dark, tar-like substance trying to work it’s way around each crook and cranny in my body. Between, my bones and my organs, and my tendons, and my ligaments, it’s slowly oozing around. It’s really gross. No human body should have a moral emotion turn into something that feels like a stuck, black, tar-like substance. NOT GOOD.

So let’s see. If I really had this horrible sounding substance getting stuck in and around all parts of my body, it probably wouldn’t feel too wonderful. I imagine it could create all types of pain and illness. Chest tightness, nerve pain, nausea, headaches, feelings of constantly needing to pee. This all seems pretty logical.

Feeling of a stuck, black, tar-like substance slowly oozing through my body = any and all types of body pain and/or discomfort.

Simple, straight-forward, makes sense. Not medically, scientifically validated by any means. Still, I can pretty much buy into my analogy almost %100.

But wait. The types of pain and body discomfort I just mentioned above are supposed to be my MS symptoms. You know, those symptoms that no one in medicine is able to cure. The symptoms from the disease that doesn’t have a proven, known, clearly-defined cause. Hmmmm.

But there are those MRI scans showing lesions in my brain…so…I DO HAVE MS. Right? “Yeah Sue, don’t be an idiot. You have MS. Stop being in denial! You need to reach acceptance about your diagnosis and move on!”

The rubber meets the road for me…again. My mind, my body, and my soul all meet up. My mind acts like a big, idiotic bully. Wow! I just realized that. Just now in this moment. Aha! My soul believes something, my mind shuts it up and doesn’t respect its opinion (or even let my soul have an opinion), and the dance continues…my soul is ignored, my body stays in pain, and Dr. Energy keeps telling me that I’m very angry. Hmmmm…

Well, here’s an idea. What if my mind could just shut the hell up for a little bit and be a freakin’ decent part of my body for a bleepin’ second. How about that? “Hey brain, how about if we just stop ignoring our soul for one bleepin’ day and actually just listen to it?” I mean, again, this seems pretty straight forward.

Belief from my soul + brain’s nasty criticism of my soul’s belief = crushed soul = pain in my body.

If this process happens over and over again, it’s likely that my soul is eventually gonna act out. A soul can only take so much before it starts to be pretty pissed off. If it can’t have an opinion, it’s probably gonna make itself heard in some other way.

So brain, let’s have a trial run this week. You have all those lesions you’re dealing with anyway, so why don’t you just sit back and take a well-deserved break. How about if we allow our soul to have a say this week? Let’s just see what happens. It’s just for one week. How bad can it be? I’m not saying we have to give our soul control of our life completely, but let’s just see if our soul makes any good points? Let’s see how our body feels if we give our soul some say. Okay? One week. That’s it, and then we evaluate our results.

I’m a little scared now. But THIS IS happening. And it’s Halloween! No better time than now to deal with my black, sticky, oozing tar! Let’s do this thing!!! Happy Halloween!